Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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