So drunk its hurt
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
