I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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