Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
