We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
