You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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