operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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