I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I am available for nakedness
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
