What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize