Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I would ride that face into the sunset
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
