Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
