I can text with my tongue
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize