What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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