I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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