Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
