Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
