I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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