Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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