Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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