Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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