It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
