i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize