This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
im six kinds of drunk right now
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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