I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
