If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
