I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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