im having a threesome with these popsicles
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
