Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
