you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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