I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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