im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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