What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
