She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
