I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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