i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
