My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
