Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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