Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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