he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
