If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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