fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
