Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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