i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
