You made me cry and you don't even care
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
