I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
