Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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