i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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