Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
