Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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