just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
