Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
