The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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