So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
