Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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