When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
