he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
