the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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