Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
