I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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