Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize