Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
