Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
