Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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