I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
