If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
