Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
