Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize