I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
